How to Change Guitar Strings in 10 Drunken Steps...

No. No, no, no...

I'm trying another "how to" numbered list, like all of the blogging experts recommend. I hope that it works.

In this posting, I will be discussing how to change your guitar strings in 10 easy steps. Fortunately, I am drunk, so this should be awesome. For me, anyway,

So, how do you change your guitar strings?

Well, first make sure that you are playing an actual guitar, and not one of those "Guitar Hero" video game units. Those don't have strings, so you would look pretty silly trying to change them. Go back to your video game before you break it, and stop worrying.

For the sake of this entry, I will assume you are playing a guitar that actually has strings on it. I will describe how to change a standard steel six-string acoustic guitar.

STEP ONE: Purchase the strings. This SOUNDS easy, but  unfortunately it is a lot like trying to order breakfast at Denny's. How would you like your eggs? Toast, biscuits, or pancake? Silverware or no silverware? Choices.

You will have many brands to choose from, as well as a choice of materials, and gauges. It's very irritating. Base your selection on what kind of sound and feel you prefer. I like a warm, bright, mellow sound-and to sound just like John Mayer. The strings don't help at all with this, because he is a much better player than I am.

Whatever.

Make your choice taking into account the style and technique you will be using. I like to bend notes, and to use strumming, finger picking, and flat-picking when I play. I prefer Martin bronze-wound medium gauge strings. If the gauge is too light, I find the sound too tinny, and a heavy gauge is not as comfortable (in my opinion) for doing things like bending the string, or playing leads.

STEP TWO: Loosen the tension on your guitar strings. Use the tuning pegs to do this, and not scissors as I have inappropriately pictured. Loosening the strings can be kind of fun, as they drop rapidly in pitch until they are flopping loosely on the neck of your guitar. I accidentally wrote a song once doing this.

STEP THREE: Remove the bridge pegs from the bridge of your guitar. They SHOULD pull right out, but they won't...and you will find yourself searching around for something (anything) to help you pop them out. I used a butter knife once. That was stupid. Don't do that. Guitar stores actually sell little tools for this.

If all else fails, you can use pliers, but most bridge pegs are made of plastic and can break pretty easily. I would therefore recommend placing a cloth over them before clamping...and pull gently. And keep track of the tuning pegs. My cats like to bat them under the sofa to torment me.

STEP FOUR: Uncoil the strings from the tuning pegs. This is irritating, and you may have to do a little pushing, pulling, and bending of the string to uncoil it and unthread it through the hole. Don't be tempted to saw through with your butter knife, or to yank violently on it while calling it obscene names. This doesn't help. So I HEAR anyway. Just trust me.

STEP FIVE: Place the beaded end of each new string into the corresponding hole on the bridge. Some strings are handily labeled E, A, D, G, B, and E. Most aren't, and instead have their thickness labeled on the wrapper in some cryptic decimal number. As if I remember what .0047957 corresponds with, or the difference between .00077435 and .00759148. Good grief! I'm a guitarist, not a mathematician! I'm getting hives just thinking about it. Just take one string out at a time. They are in sequential order inside the packaging. God help you if you mix them up!

Sorry. I'm calming down now.

STEP SIX: The bridge has a saddle underneath it with tiny little grooves...one for each string. Set the string in the groove as you pull it towards the tuning keys again. At the end of the fretboard is another piece with grooves to help the string stay seated and aligned. I think it's called the "nut," but I can't remember, so I will refer to it as the "white grooved thingy at the end of the neck." Once you have the string resting in the proper grooves on both the saddle, and the "white grooved thingy at the end of the neck," it is time to thread the other end through the hole in the tuning peg. This would be a great time to start drinking. I recommend hard liquor.

STEP SEVEN: It is very important to visualize the direction you will be turning the keys when you are tightening each string. If you put the end through and just start turning, there is a good chance that each tuning key will be threaded from a different direction, and while a left turn on one key tightens the string, on the next key it will loosen the string. You will spend the majority of your time trying to remember which is which, and it will take you 28 years to tune your guitar, You will die old, bitter, angry, and with an out of tune guitar. You want directional uniformity.

"Directional Uniformity" is a good name for an anal-retentive rock band.

STEP EIGHT: Start winding. Leave a little slack, and be sure the string winds around the loose end, securing it in place. This prevents slippage. As you are winding, make sure the string is staying aligned in the grooves on the saddle, and the "white grooved thingy at the end of the neck." I personally wait until I have all of the strings started this way before I start winding for tuning. I do this to keep the tension equalized across the width of the neck, and reduce the possibility of of bending or breaking anything through isolated tension on one side. This is probably pointless and unecessary like a lot of the stuff that I do. NOTE: The threading and winding procedure to "lock" the string on the tuning peg is a bit of an art. It is much easier to visually explain, and you may want to Google one of the many excellent diagrams out there. I'd draw one, but I'm drunk. And besides, some people are very neat and precise. My tuning pegs often look like they have been wound by a blind and demented squirrel. But, they work. And I like squirrels.

STEP NINE: Wind each string, gradually increasing the tension, and therefore the pitch. You will need a tonal reference for tuning each string, so that you know how far to wind it. A piano, a pitch pipe, an electronic tuner, a tuning fork, a John Denver album...something. If you didn't know where to stop, you could wind the string so tight that only dogs could hear it.

It is a good idea to stretch the strings as you tighten them too. New strings will contract a bit until they are settled into the tension. You will notice that as you get one string tuned, and you move onto the next one, the first one will drop out of tune again. This is what we guitarists refer to as the "Fuc***g New String Stretchy Game," and it will drive you crazy. This is what really happened to Keith Richards.

Deliberately stretching the strings by gently pulling pulling on them during intial tunings will help them settle into tension faster. We all know that in guitar, faster is better. NOTE: New strings, especially the higher ones (B, high E) may snap the first time they are tightened. For no apparent reason. This can be startling when it happens. Use caution so as not to put an eye out. I'm not sure why your eye would be that close to your guitar string as you tune it, but it's something my mom always used to say, so I feel obligated to mention it.

STEP TEN: Your strings are on. Your guitar is tuned. You are drunk. You didn't kill yourself with the butterknife, or put your eye out in some sort of contortionist string winding accident. Go play "Stairway to Heaven," and have some fun!