You made me worry...in Joplin, Missouri

Normally a story that included songwriting in a dream would be expected to be triumphant and inspired in some way. You know, something like "I awoke from a feverish sleep only to find that the muses had been whispering directly into my ear...the resulting masterpiece is both moving and genius in it's musical composition and imagery. It has been gifted both to me and all humankind by the universe itself...I'm pretty sure that world peace will result...or at least a violence free Black Friday at the Wal-Mart..."

But, as I had mentioned previously in my insightful and hauntingly lyrical post in my other genius blog Alaska Before You Do, I ate some smoked tofu and chia seeds before going to bed. I dreamt about having to re-home a pet duck.

We don't own a duck.

I also had a song happen. Lyrics, music...the whole bit....

Songwriters often wait for moments like these. Wonderful things sometimes happen.

That is not what happened in this case.

Just to give you an indication of what DID happen, I will share with you the first few lines...(please feel free to insert over-exaggerated twang here-on both the vocals and geetar):

I've been thinkin', 'bout too much drinkin'
I know my drinkin', it'll make you roooaaaammmm...
Now you make me worry, in Joplin, Missouri
baby won't you please hurry, and just come on hoommme...

Needless to say, I awoke with a start...and immediately went to find some Pepto-Bismal.

The last time a song came to me in a dream, I wrote this masterpiece: Flat Cat...(yes, it's a link...I double dog dare you).

And yes, I had eaten pepperoni.

And Now For Something REALLY Scary!

I thought in honor of Halloween I would post something truly frightening...which is this picture of 457 string guitar.

I might have exaggerated about the strings a little. It was for dramatic effect.

Anyone who has ever tried to tune a 12-string on a regular basis is aware of how scary THIS is. I remember my former musical partner (I will refer to her here as Jessie, mostly because her name is Jessie) played an Ovation 12-string as her primary instrument. Whenever we would be ready to practice, or (Gawd forbid) perform, I would tune up my trusty 6-string...and then wait for Jessie to tune up her 12-string.

And I would wait....

,,,and wait,,,,

...and wait...

I'd finally have dinner, take a nap, polish my guitar, and play my entire repertoire of John Denver songs...and she'd still be tuning.

I'm amazed that Jessie didn't end up pulling a Pete Townsend with that thing.

So, I'm pretty sure that whoever invented that pictured guitar THING did it as a kind of torture device.

Well played, sadistic, psycho musician. Well played.

The only thing that would have been scarier would be a guitar with TWO SOUND HOLES...so ALL of your picks would disappear into them! You would then be destined to spend an eternity maniacally shaking your guitar like an upside-down etch-a-sketch trying to dislodge them. You'd finally give up, throw in even more picks, and turn your guitar into a weirdly shaped maraca...

MUAHAHAHAHA!

(Insert evil music here-preferably Rocky Mountain High by John Denver. Hey, they used it in 'Final Destination'...).

Anyway, I hope you guitarists don't have bad dreams now...

In the spirit of Halloween, here is what my guitar, Charlene, is wearing for the trick-or-treaters. I think it's a pretty good costume,

She's dressed as a lesbian.

Happy Halloween!!

Guitar Case Art and Thibodeaux's New Guitar

My case...the more sensible version...

A new guitar case is a blank canvas with many, many possibilities. Many musicians use their guitar cases as a sort of "travel scrapbook," collecting stickers from the places they have traveled and played. Some guitarists like to express their likes, interests...things that move them...and may add favorite symbols, quotes, song lyrics...still others may use their guitar case art as a sort of soapbox to educate and disseminate information about pet causes, issues, organizations...

I personally used to use my guitar case for all three of these things-and in my younger days, I apparently was a feminist, tree hugging, crystal swinging, liberal, peace-sign loving, granola crunching, lesbian, agnostic, hippie yahoo...chock full of self-righteous arrogance and irreverent sarcasm...

I may (or may not be) still any number of those things, but what I have learned is that my guitar is INNOCENT-and I will therefore exercise caution in choosing what I put on my case.

I'm not sure whatever became of my beloved Takamine guitar, Gerdy. I like to think that she is safe on the bayou somewhere...being used by Duplessis Thibodeaux to further communicate the zydeco way...entertaining alligators throughout the land, helping cheerful and warm hearted people dance their nights away...

Chances are, however, that some air-ramper named Clyde ran her over with the baggage cart on the tarmac at Baton Rouge Metropolitan Airport...because her case prominantly displayed rainbow flags, pink triangles, and a large bumper sticker that read, "Sorry I missed church, I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian."

I owe Charlene better...

Of course, I better still be careful if I fly in PAC-12 regions, especially at Sea-Tac International, which is Husky country. I had to put this on the case though. Charlene is a Cougar. I know it because I asked her.

Dropping the "F-bomb," and other ways to take up baking...

As anyone who has learned or taught guitar will tell you, learning to play an "f-chord" is a critical time in the development of a guitar skills base. It is often the time that about half of my students will decide to say "screw this," and to take up baking.

It can be a cruel thing, that "f-chord"....or, as I used to call it, the "*@^#%$* f-chord." Much like using the word "indubitably," I would do the musical equivalent of altering entire sentence structures to avoid having to use it. I have transposed many a songs into an alternate key just to get around using that sucker....

It's a sad thing when you see a new guitar player excited by the fact that they finally learned the "G, A, D" chord progression, and could therefore play 4, 962 country songs...only to then encounter a song that prominently features the "f-chord" and (after I show it to them) to have them look at me with that hollow, empty stare.

The "G major" chord is no picnic for a new guitarist either. But they practice with persistence, enduring frustration and hand cramps, finally getting the hang of it...and still the day will come when they will inevitably say to me, "I want to learn 'Hotel California.'"

I've come to call it, "The Inevitable 'Hotel California' Moment." It can also be called, "The Inevitable 'House of the Rising Sun' Moment." It just depends on the avenue by which the student would like to enter into the world of baking.

I can transpose a lot of songs to avoid the "*#@%$^ f-chord"...but these two just don't sound quite right in alternate keys. So, I hand them a muffin tin.

No, I'm kidding...of course. I learned it, and if I can do it, anyone can do it.

But, it IS one of those defining times that tests how committed you are to working through the frustration of sounding like you are trying to play guitar with your elbows.

Honestly, the only reason I made it through is because I had already tried baking, and was still experiencing guilt over the whole "exploding cupcakes" incident.

Anyway, don't give up. Stay strong. Once you master the "f-major" chord, an entire new world of musical opportunity will open up for you. Your 4,962 country songs will turn into millions of country songs...PLUS you will be able to check into the 'Hotel California.'

Right up until you have to learn the B-chord. That one is a real bummer.

How to Change Guitar Strings in 10 Drunken Steps...

No. No, no, no...

I'm trying another "how to" numbered list, like all of the blogging experts recommend. I hope that it works.

In this posting, I will be discussing how to change your guitar strings in 10 easy steps. Fortunately, I am drunk, so this should be awesome. For me, anyway,

So, how do you change your guitar strings?

Well, first make sure that you are playing an actual guitar, and not one of those "Guitar Hero" video game units. Those don't have strings, so you would look pretty silly trying to change them. Go back to your video game before you break it, and stop worrying.

For the sake of this entry, I will assume you are playing a guitar that actually has strings on it. I will describe how to change a standard steel six-string acoustic guitar.

STEP ONE: Purchase the strings. This SOUNDS easy, but  unfortunately it is a lot like trying to order breakfast at Denny's. How would you like your eggs? Toast, biscuits, or pancake? Silverware or no silverware? Choices.

You will have many brands to choose from, as well as a choice of materials, and gauges. It's very irritating. Base your selection on what kind of sound and feel you prefer. I like a warm, bright, mellow sound-and to sound just like John Mayer. The strings don't help at all with this, because he is a much better player than I am.

Whatever.

Make your choice taking into account the style and technique you will be using. I like to bend notes, and to use strumming, finger picking, and flat-picking when I play. I prefer Martin bronze-wound medium gauge strings. If the gauge is too light, I find the sound too tinny, and a heavy gauge is not as comfortable (in my opinion) for doing things like bending the string, or playing leads.

STEP TWO: Loosen the tension on your guitar strings. Use the tuning pegs to do this, and not scissors as I have inappropriately pictured. Loosening the strings can be kind of fun, as they drop rapidly in pitch until they are flopping loosely on the neck of your guitar. I accidentally wrote a song once doing this.

STEP THREE: Remove the bridge pegs from the bridge of your guitar. They SHOULD pull right out, but they won't...and you will find yourself searching around for something (anything) to help you pop them out. I used a butter knife once. That was stupid. Don't do that. Guitar stores actually sell little tools for this.

If all else fails, you can use pliers, but most bridge pegs are made of plastic and can break pretty easily. I would therefore recommend placing a cloth over them before clamping...and pull gently. And keep track of the tuning pegs. My cats like to bat them under the sofa to torment me.

STEP FOUR: Uncoil the strings from the tuning pegs. This is irritating, and you may have to do a little pushing, pulling, and bending of the string to uncoil it and unthread it through the hole. Don't be tempted to saw through with your butter knife, or to yank violently on it while calling it obscene names. This doesn't help. So I HEAR anyway. Just trust me.

STEP FIVE: Place the beaded end of each new string into the corresponding hole on the bridge. Some strings are handily labeled E, A, D, G, B, and E. Most aren't, and instead have their thickness labeled on the wrapper in some cryptic decimal number. As if I remember what .0047957 corresponds with, or the difference between .00077435 and .00759148. Good grief! I'm a guitarist, not a mathematician! I'm getting hives just thinking about it. Just take one string out at a time. They are in sequential order inside the packaging. God help you if you mix them up!

Sorry. I'm calming down now.

STEP SIX: The bridge has a saddle underneath it with tiny little grooves...one for each string. Set the string in the groove as you pull it towards the tuning keys again. At the end of the fretboard is another piece with grooves to help the string stay seated and aligned. I think it's called the "nut," but I can't remember, so I will refer to it as the "white grooved thingy at the end of the neck." Once you have the string resting in the proper grooves on both the saddle, and the "white grooved thingy at the end of the neck," it is time to thread the other end through the hole in the tuning peg. This would be a great time to start drinking. I recommend hard liquor.

STEP SEVEN: It is very important to visualize the direction you will be turning the keys when you are tightening each string. If you put the end through and just start turning, there is a good chance that each tuning key will be threaded from a different direction, and while a left turn on one key tightens the string, on the next key it will loosen the string. You will spend the majority of your time trying to remember which is which, and it will take you 28 years to tune your guitar, You will die old, bitter, angry, and with an out of tune guitar. You want directional uniformity.

"Directional Uniformity" is a good name for an anal-retentive rock band.

STEP EIGHT: Start winding. Leave a little slack, and be sure the string winds around the loose end, securing it in place. This prevents slippage. As you are winding, make sure the string is staying aligned in the grooves on the saddle, and the "white grooved thingy at the end of the neck." I personally wait until I have all of the strings started this way before I start winding for tuning. I do this to keep the tension equalized across the width of the neck, and reduce the possibility of of bending or breaking anything through isolated tension on one side. This is probably pointless and unecessary like a lot of the stuff that I do. NOTE: The threading and winding procedure to "lock" the string on the tuning peg is a bit of an art. It is much easier to visually explain, and you may want to Google one of the many excellent diagrams out there. I'd draw one, but I'm drunk. And besides, some people are very neat and precise. My tuning pegs often look like they have been wound by a blind and demented squirrel. But, they work. And I like squirrels.

STEP NINE: Wind each string, gradually increasing the tension, and therefore the pitch. You will need a tonal reference for tuning each string, so that you know how far to wind it. A piano, a pitch pipe, an electronic tuner, a tuning fork, a John Denver album...something. If you didn't know where to stop, you could wind the string so tight that only dogs could hear it.

It is a good idea to stretch the strings as you tighten them too. New strings will contract a bit until they are settled into the tension. You will notice that as you get one string tuned, and you move onto the next one, the first one will drop out of tune again. This is what we guitarists refer to as the "Fuc***g New String Stretchy Game," and it will drive you crazy. This is what really happened to Keith Richards.

Deliberately stretching the strings by gently pulling pulling on them during intial tunings will help them settle into tension faster. We all know that in guitar, faster is better. NOTE: New strings, especially the higher ones (B, high E) may snap the first time they are tightened. For no apparent reason. This can be startling when it happens. Use caution so as not to put an eye out. I'm not sure why your eye would be that close to your guitar string as you tune it, but it's something my mom always used to say, so I feel obligated to mention it.

STEP TEN: Your strings are on. Your guitar is tuned. You are drunk. You didn't kill yourself with the butterknife, or put your eye out in some sort of contortionist string winding accident. Go play "Stairway to Heaven," and have some fun!

Dumpster Nutella and the Elvis potato...

Trying to tour a "circuit" is quite a logistical challenge. If you are broke and starving, like most independent musicians, it is also a financial tightrope. It requires careful planning, and sometimes, dumpster diving.

I say this because (surprise), I have a story.

I ended up in a dumpster behind a Safeway store in Santa Cruz, CA. Well, it wasn't just me. It was also my musical partner, and my girlfriend at the time. We were hungry. Very hungry. And Jessie (my musical partner) had this great idea. She knew that grocery stores often threw away produce and other items that were less than perfect. They were perfectly edible, but not up to the standards necessary to sell them in the grocery store.

Hoping to find a bruised apple,some stale bread, or perhaps a potato shaped like Elvis, we waited until the coast was clear-and we ventured to the dumpster. That's when we hit the Nutella motherload.

It became known as the "Nutella incident of 1995."

Nutella apparently comes to grocery stores shrink wrapped on a cardboard flats. It comes in cases of 24 jars. One of the cases delivered to the store must have been dropped, because just ONE of the jars had broken and gotten Nutella all over the other jars. Rather than removing the broken jar and cleaning up the rest, the store had opted to throw them all away. The shrink wrap hadn't even been opened.

I can certainly understand why the store might have done this. It was very labor intensive to clean all of the jars...and Nutella, in addition to being delicious and obviously manufactured directly in heaven...is quite sticky. I'm sure that the store also wouldn't want to risk contamination, illness, injury and liability from broken glass, yada, yada, yada.

We didn't care. We thought we had been blessed by the Nutella fairy.

Well, we did at first, anyway. Our tour lasted for 8 months. There were many times when we were hungry, but from that point forward, we ALWAYS had Nutella. I mean, it was everywhere. We were in a little motorhome. We would open our cabinets and find a brillo pad, a dented can of tomato soup, our Elvis potato, and a shit-ton of Nutella.

We dipped our bruised apples in it. We spread it on our stale bread. We ate it directly from the jar. We tried it with Top Ramen noodles (I really don't recommend this). We tried Nutella covered carrots (I REALLY don't recommend THIS)...we came up with many new recipes that wouldn't normally call for the use of Nutella. But, as I mentioned, we had a LOT of Nutella.

It's almost twenty years later, and I'm just finishing the last jar.

No, not really. I lost custody of most of it when the band broke up on a porch in Beverly Hills. But, that's for another post.

It's ok. Most of our fans were squirrels, anyway. Go figure...

Top 5 Reasons You Should Learn to Play Guitar

Hi there. How YOU doin'?

Someone told me that if you want people to read your blogs, you have to come up with some numbered lists. Then, that same person proceeded to tell me the top 12 reasons you have to come up with numbered lists.

Which is NOT what I'm going to write about today. For several reasons.

Which I'm not even going to tell you. Ha!

But, what I AM going to tell you is the top 5 reasons you should learn to play guitar. It will be my very first numbered list in a blog. I'm excited. Tomorrow I am going to cover "How to change your guitar strings in 437 easy steps." And I'm going to get totally plowed before I write it, so it should be a good one.

But, for now...here are the 5 Top Reasons You Should Learn to Play Guitar:

1.) To pick up chicks. Guitar players seem to have some kind of magical powers. I'm not sure exactly what it is...but I can spend a significant amount of time in public places, and NO ONE even looks twice. I can dress up and go out to a club, and leave there without a single phone number. But, I could sit on a curb in my pajamas with my hair sticking straight up...and if I have my guitar, girls will stop and talk to me. I swear, it's better than a puppy.

2.) To create an outlet for expressing your innermost feelings. It's true, from laughing with humor, to healing from heartbreak...learning the guitar allows you to actually create the music that touches you. Without a doubt, my ability to crank my amplifier with gain wide open, full throttle, shattered glasses, pictures on the floor, ears ringing, head banging, crunching, thrashing, slashing, shredding, my cover of John Denver's  Rocky Mountain High...it has saved countless lives. Hey, you have to set the rage free somehow.

3.) To pick up chicks. Again, better than puppies. I can't emphasize this enough.

4.) Guitar is extremely versatile. You can break out your guitar  almost anywhere, and become part of life's soundtrack. As both an instrument for accompaniment, or as a self contained instrument capable of producing complete pieces of music...it is awesome. It helps if you've learned a wide variety of things, but it's not too hard to learn a few standard songs from most genres...and then you're set. From Christmas to campfires, weddings to funerals, kids' birthdays to entertaining at the senior center...I have learned enough of the standards that I can manage to find something to play for nearly every person and every occasion. Guitar really has added a lot to my life in this way, and part of that has been the experience of helping people smile. I love that stuff-and guitar has been a big part of that.

5.) Guitar is portable. I used to have a Martin Backpacker guitar. It was pretty cool. It was about a quarter of the size of a typical acoustic guitar, and it was light and shaped kind of weird...designed to be carried on hiking trails and camping excursions. It was actually small enough to be carried in a backpack. Although that is an extreme example of portability, let's see you get a grand piano or a tuba on a mountain top.

So, there it is. My first numbered list on my blog. I'm sure they will get better when I start drinking heavily again.

And, unfortunately, I made up the part about picking up chicks,

I'm investing in a puppy.

Press Kit-ty

If you want to play professionally, or to look at pictures of yourself because, like most musicians, you have an ego so enormous that it eclipses the sun...then you will want to assemble a press kit.

I wanted both of these things, so over the years I have assembled a ridiculous number of photographs. Some of them are actually photographs of me. The photograph above was one that a friend took for the specific purpose of self-promotion. I have received a lot of attention for this picture, mostly because people really like the bed that looks like it was chewed by beavers.

Anyway, you should also include a basic biography that makes you sound really cool. You know, stuff that sounds really adventurous and dramatic. "Born above the Arctic Circle to a poor sharecropper family, Dawn took her very name from the midnight sun..." Yada, yada, yada.

Then, you will also want to include a basic synopsis of your musical experiences. You don't have to list EVERY gig you've ever played, (unless you have only played one). For instance, I no longer find it necessary to include the "Payday Advance Loans and Billiards Hall Grand Opening Celebration" (where I totally kicked ass). but I do try to list a good variety of pub, coffee-shop, event, and fundraiser gigs. You want to project versatility, professionalism, and experience. My aim is to totally fool them.

It's also a good idea to include pictures of yourself playing in some of these venues, so be sure to have somebody snap a few for you. Preferably ones where you look halfway decent. I always seem to end up with ones where my eyes were crossed, or I was making duck lips (see below)

Maybe that's just how I always look.

Anyway, do that.

Another thing you should do is to assemble a few of these photos into some kind of groovy graphic design-and make fliers that the venue can use to advertise you. Promotional materials are a win/win...you want people to come see you, the venue wants business. Leave the fields blank so you can just re-use the "master copy" at different gigs. It also makes it easy, and inexpensive, for the venue to copy and personalize. II am a computer bonehead, and it took me 32 years, and several frustrated friends, to finally get a flier done. Here are a few ideas:

Anyhow...you get the idea...

And if you have original music, like I do (insert shameless plug here), make sure you include a sample with your press kit. You can also include a sample set list, or some lyric pages for your songs. If you play a wide variety of music, you can also include some set list tailor made for different venues. I try to send a different sample set list if I am going to play a cowboy bar, than the one I might send to the lesbian music festival.

Just saying.

My forever girl

This here's Charlene.

Ain't she pretty?

I found Charlene in Oklahoma City. I found her in a pawn shop, which-if you know guitars at all-I highly recommend as an avenue for shopping for instruments. You just never know what you'll find.

When I found Charlene, I was searching for my "forever guitar"...because a few months earlier my previous "forever guitar" had been lost by an airline. It was my Takamine...one of the nicest guitars I had ever played, with onboard electronics that just couldn't be beat. I was also partial to it because, when I bought it, the neck at some point had been completely severed. This is usually not a good sign for a guitar, as one without a neck is...well...really short. But, in addition to that, it would be pretty unlikely that a decent repair could be made after an injury like that. There is a lot of tension on the neck, it has to be adjusted just right for intonation. Even on guitars with perfectly intact necks, once things get out of adjustment, it takes someone with knowledge to get it back in balance, without intonation issues, fret buzz, messed up action, migraine headaches...

Ok. I made that last one up. I just started to think I was sounding like an ad for a chiropractor.

Anyway, somehow, this guitar was perfect, even with the broken neck. It played like a dream. And, to me, it's injury just gave it character.

What happened to my Takamine is still a mystery, but I can tell you that my first mistake was checking it with my luggage. I didn't realize at the time that you didn't have to check musical instruments, and I pretty much knew it wouldn't fir in an overhead compartment. So, I checked it, and had my name and address tags all over that sucker.

My second mistake, I am guessing, was not placing it in a generic guitar case-but leaving it in it's lesbian, feminist, rainbow, pink triangle, peace sign, vegan, hemp loving, leaping liberals sticker collection covered case-and then flying into the deep south. I mean, one of the bumper stickers on the case read, "Sorry I missed church. I was busy practicing withcraft and becoming a lesbian."

I'm not into victim blaming, by any means. But, I think my guitar might have been asking for it. Just by the way it was dressed.

Needless to say, my guitar never arrived in Belt Buckle, Georgia. Or Antler, Arkansas. Or wherever the hell I was going.

I filed my loss report, and they spent a few months (hahahahaha) "looking" for it. Finally, they issued me a check for $800.00. I went guitar hunting in Oklahoma City, totally prepared to spend about $1200.00 to find my therapist, my best friend, my companion, my sanity, my perfect forever guitar.

The very first pawn shop I walked into had this beautiful thing hanging on the wall. I noticed her right away, and asked to play her. The brand is a Dean, which I had heard of only because of the awesome electric Dean Warlock. I didn't even know that Dean made acoustics. Oh, but they do!

I fell in love INSTANTLY. First guitar I tried....it was meant to be. I plugged her in, and WOW! The electronics were wonderful. Full EQ, on-board tuner, great, mellow and full acoustic sound, great response. The action is glorious. And the piece of wood on her face has the most BEAUTIFUL patterns. It's just a solid piece of wood, not painted, but the grain is incredible. I just LOVE this guitar!

So, that is the story of Charlene, my forever guitar. I will never, ever, EVER check her with luggage again. Oh, and I am often asked, why did I name her 'Charlene'...and I have no idea. It just seemed to fit. 'Ralph' was a close second, but I like Charlene much better.

Suffering for my art like a true dufus...

So, I played guitar for about twelve hours straight through. I was playing with another guitarist, which is a rare treat. We were "in the zone"...which, as any guitarist understands, is a state of being that renders one nearly powerless to put the guitar down.

The problem did not arise because I played for twelve hours. No, It arose because I played for twelve hours after having NOT played for nearly two months. My fingers were defenseless. I had completely lost my callouses.

Not playing for two months? How could it be? I had traveled to northern California on a trip I had expected would only take about two weeks. I had chosen to leave behind Charlene (my guitar) because traveling with her is always a risk, and I just really didn't expect I would have much opportunity to play.

I ended up staying for two months. Guitarless. Without my guitar. No guitar in sight. Unable to play. Total guitar deficit.

When the opportunity arose to sit down for an extended session with my guitarist friend, and to borrow his beautifully balanced Ovation, I jumped at the chance. And...when my fingers started to sting? I ignored it.

We were collaborating, and the music was taking on a life of it's own. So, when my fingers started to feel like they were actually on fire? I ignored it, and played through the pain. Soon enough they would numb again.

He had plugged us in through both his Vampire amp/effects processor, and his Carvell cabinet. The sounds we were making were heavenly, and different, and we were in a co-creative, collaborative groove. It was if the muses themselves were whispering directly into our ears. It was magical. Wyndham Hill would have loved what we were coming up with. I'm serious. I almost lit candles and took a bubble bath, we were so ON.

So, when my fingers turned white, and felt as if I had dipped them in a deep fryer? I ignored that.

 And when I finally, reluctantly, set the guitar down for the night (because it was morning and time to eat waffles)...well...I kind of knew I might have overdone it a bit. It wasn't until I had taken a nap, and woke up to my fingertips looking like E.T. that I understood how MUCH I had overdone it.

My fingers were blistered, and squishy...little water balloons on the ends. They were yucky, and weird, and scared small children, My guitarist friend was impressed (and a little worried). That prompted me to show off my hard earned guitar injury.

I couldn't play for a week, as I dared not risk popping them and possibly getting an infection. One morning I woke up, and the biggest blister had turned into the most amazing robo-callouse I had ever seen! It was SO thick that the guitar string created a groove in it, and it actually got in the way. Then, as suddenly as the callouse had appeared, the entire thing just came off. And my poor fingers were once again defenseless.

So...unless you want a really cool guitar related injury that you can photograph, brag about (LOOK HOW DEDICATED I AM), and alarm your loved ones with (OH MY GOD YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! CAN I POP IT?), don't be a total dufus, like I was. Don't you DARE go two months without playing guitar.

I mean, REALLY!